With my hair tied up and donning a casual tank and shorts, I sit crosslegged in my friend Jane’s condo room in Somerset. I am lucky enough to be able to stay at her place for three weeks, completely rent free. She left for New York a couple days ago and I stayed behind, taking business calls, online meetings, and time alone to work on my consulting projects and personal craft. My luggages are sitting nearby, with a couple of clothes and empty bags strewn around the area. I have bought many gifts for friends back home, those who have taken me in, given me rides in college, fed me, took care of me, and was there for me in my early 20s.
I am 29 this year, but that number doesn’t really linger in my mind. I just am. I am just Emily Fang.
Yesterday I was downstairs at the condo gym, running on a treadmill.
My mind has been messy lately, crowded with the thoughts of the future and overlapping voices pulling me in different agendas. But running does something else. Elevating the tread and pressing the buttons for speed changes me somehow. I am intense, focused, and I begin to sink into a meditative state with my breathing. I love that I find clarity during these times. I love being fully myself, intense and all. I love that I can channel my full potential and for some reason, there is anger being released.
There’s a type of intensity that I stifle below; perhaps I’m personally afraid of it myself and not sure what to think of it. Exercise and mostly running has been the only way to release it; sometimes I don’t recognize it myself, and almost impressed and welcoming to this kind of intensity I hold. It shows up sometimes in my work, in my anger, and in my determination to succeed. I feel bad for those who see it in my anger.
Most people see the silly parts of me. I am humorous, easygoing, and likable.
But often times, I wonder if people will appreciate this intense part of me. I do.
I really like this Emily, but I’m not sure if everyone else does. Is it not a strange thing that I don’t allow this part of myself to live out fully because of the repercussions I am afraid to face?