The 30s truly is an interesting era.
Some of my friends are recently engaged and have a five-year plan. Some of them are single, traveling the world and living in different places like a nomad. Some are fresh from a raw divorce and healing, doing all self-care, that kind of stuff.
In our 20s, we were bonded by shared experiences, which meant a traditional path through school, choosing a major, going through programs together, and then graduating, and then you go into the real world, aka finding a job. When you go to a job, everyone is in different phases of life, and not all of them will want to be your friend or want to have the same shared experiences.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I definitely skip the happy hour at work, and I tend to find myself wanting to go home to rest or prioritize other things outside my work window because there are just other higher priorities in my life at this age.
But when your selfish reasons become your number one priority, you tend to forget about the community ecosystem that you truly need to be happy, which includes having great relationships with your friends, your family members, and the people around you. In order to curate a good group of people, it takes time and it takes effort.
Remember that phrase about how paying the price of inconvenience gives you a community?
While in my 30s, I realized that life is so seasonal. Sometimes you’re going to be focusing on your career. Sometimes you’re going to be focusing on the newborn child that you just gave birth to. Sometimes you’re going to be paying attention to your aging parents, or sometimes you’re going to be focused on a wedding that’s driving you crazy.
Everything definitely is seasonal, butin the end, it’s going to be the community and the relationships that you have with others that keep you going.
In my personal experience, there are various ways to deepen relationships.
Number one is having new shared experiences. Going out for a drink or having a dinner is nice, but I realize I truly enjoy experiential memories that we can laugh and talk about and relive. I think it’s also really fun to wire your brain to try new things and to put yourself in a different situation from time to time. Of course, everyone is busy, but there can always be shared experiences in a variety of ways.
For example:
You could be exploring a new thrift shop together.
You could be running errands together at Costco.
You could be looking at new homes to buy.
You could be helping your friend build furniture.
Number two is getting past the small talk. Who cares about the weather? Who cares about how hot it was today?
What is important is understanding the person more, because people are like ogres: we have layers.
To be able to deepen a relationship, you need to be able to talk about deep things, sometimes even hard things.As a recovering type A, 8 wing 7 Sagittarius, I have definitely had a hard time letting people in and being vulnerable with other people. I realized I can’t always be strong and pretend like there aren’t things in my life that aren’t going right. To be vulnerable is to be able to deepen relationships with the people because it shows that you trust them and you give them space to live in your corner.
Past Small Talk is a new digital platform that allows you to go through digital cards and ask deeper questions. I think it’s so awesome because it’s accessible in digital form and very easy to use. Even my parents would be able to navigate the platform.
Number three is keeping a regular cadence of communication, whether it be once a week, once a month, or quarterly, having a set time and space for you to communicate with this person is a really wonderful way to carve out time for this person and to catch up on life.
While it’s probably not feasible for every person in your life, for those who are far away, like living abroad, or just someone that you would like to stay connected with, it’s worth staying connected.