As someone who’s had to rebuild and start over in various cities, I’ve learned a thing or two about building great friendships and keeping them. Having friends and a community is integral to your own mental health and happiness. Being a community founder and manager myself, I noticed certain things that have allowed friendships to become more stickier and how to maintain great friendships.
Be Realistic: Readjust Your Expectations and Be Flexible
If a friend has a child now, obviously you would not be the priority.
People are damn busy these days; they’re trying to keep their lives afloat, be healthy, make money, take care of their parents, and take care of their kids (especially if they’re 30 something). Being able to adjust your expectations of your friends and what you need is self-regulation and so important. You need to recognize that we are not in our teenage years, where we have zero responsibilities and we have all the time to hangout and converse.
Being able to adjust your expectations from your friends and articulating it to them is vital. For example, I wouldn’t want to text and chat with my friends every day. I’m busy and tired from work. However, I’d love to catch up twice a month in person, where I can be focused and present. Being able to communicate that with my friends sets a better expectation, especially if they want to talk all the time. You meet your friends half way or you discuss what the expectations of the friendship will look like.
Have Different Groups of Friends
My father was the one who taught me this actually.
You should have different types of friends: ones that like to talk about business or money, ones that are party friends, ones that play sports, ones that you can have deeper conversations about, work friends, etc. Ideally, you’d have a variety of friends to fulfill a certain need, such as exercising or talking about something intellectual. It made sense, since you cannot depend on one friend for everything. Especially as I get older, I realize we cannot be the “everything” to everyone. I have different “Board of Director” friends I go to advice for, based on their own knowledge and expertise. That way, I have different sounding boards and I don’t suffocate one particular friend with everything.
Building different groups of friends can look like going to church and making friends there, joining a tennis bootcamp, making friends at pottery class, or joining new meetups. It takes time, but you have to put yourself out there.
Reevaluate Yourself as a Friend
Are you a good friend? Good friends have good intentions, are not judgemental, and root for their friends.
As a friend, I will always try to make it out for the important things, like birthdays, breakups, or even the hard things. If I cannot be there in person, I will send plants for your new home, or donate to your kid’s 529. I show up in ways that show I care. I don’t share your secrets, I listen and am present, I am fiercely loyal and consistent—these are qualities I deem as important and hope my friends have these qualities too.
It is often said that who you are will attract those similar to you. So if you want good friends, be a good friend first.
Never Prescribe as Your First Option, Just Empathize
One of my biggest pet peeves is other people telling me what to do. Hello? I grew up in an Asian household, why would I need another person telling me what to do?
A good friend of mine used to always ask me, “Do you want to keep venting and I listen or do you want me to provide solutions?” I whole-heartedly appreciated that, as it respected my time to share my feelings, and gave me the control and preparation to hear things or solutions I was not ready for.
I have been guilty of prescribing solutions as well, but have since changed to listen first and provide solutions when asked for it. As someone who hates seeing other struggle when the answer is so clearly in front of them, I realize people just need to learn on their own at their own pace and time. As a good friend, you can only ask them questions to uncover their true feelings and emotions about a certain situation. We’re not all therapists and not all of us give good advice, so I would be a good friend and just be there for that person.
Friendships Will Evolve Due to Distance or Lifestyles, and that’s OK
This seems particular niche to those in their 30 somethings. Lifestyles start to really vary during this age frame. Someone who is single vs someone who is married and having kids will have different priorities; their weekends may look differently and it may be harder to schedule things with a parent friend. Being patient and flexible about these things is key.
In my personal experiences, I realize friendships will change over time and that’s just the nature of things. Our shared experiences will look different, especially if we are far apart or if we live differently. That means being flexible with the other person, and being more accommodating when needed. If a friend was going through a hard time and was job searching but cannot go out to eat or do fun things, then perhaps I’d invite them for dinner or sometimes pay for their meal. It is during these times where you take care of a good friend, and hopefully they’ll take care of you in the future too. Or if a friend had a child and need their space, you give them their space while checking on them from time to time.
Your friendship will never always look the same.
The glue that will keep you both together is reciprocity and showing up for each other in the ways you both need.
“A friend is one who walks in when others walk out.” – Walter Winchell
Reciprocation is Key—It’s a 2 Way Street
This is quite important. If you are doing all the work in this friendship, then perhaps it may not work. I had a friend who never planned anything, never communicated first, and would disappear from time to time. I got fed up, and eventually stopped trying on my part. The friendship deteriorated and she asked my other friend why I didn’t talk to her anymore. Without asking me directly or making any efforts, she expected me to do all the work and I got tired.
I don’t feel upset about it, but I realized how important it is to have a 2 way street in a friendship. There must be willingness and effort put on both sides. It’s never going to be 50/50, but it helps to show up in ways you can, or at least supplement when your friend cannot. I value effort in my friendships, and when I see none, then it’s not for me.
Aligning Your Friendships with Hobbies
One thing I found that works great is joining social events, classes, or team sports that occur on a typical basis. In this weird way, your consistent exposure to people will eventually create or forget bonds with people who have similar interests. This is why I always say church is a great way to build a community and network of friends as an example. You go with the right expectation of what will happen, meet new people, and connect with people on a consistent basis.
If you go to tennis class every Saturday, you would also most likely make new friends through your love of tennis and bonding over the sport. It increases the chances of you bonding and forging a friendship with a new person.
Maintaining Your Friendships
Again, I don’t think it’s realistic to talk to your friends every day. If you do, amazing!
But I do believe maintaining your friendships require consistent effort on your behalf.
That means carving out the time to hop on calls from time to time, helping plan or organize events, or making effort to show up when it matters or to create a sense of consistency. I have friends from a previous startup that I worked at; we meet every other month or two months for coffee and lunch. While we don’t see each other that often, we pick up where we left and go over updates. We all recognize how busy we are, but put in the effort when it’s time.
Of course, some friendships will have more maintenance, but I do believe friendships are strengthened through trust, bonding over a situation, and seeing someone more consistently. It will look different to different friends, but it’ll be helpful to figure out what maintenance looks like for both of you.
I hope you found this helpful, and that your friendships can flourish the way you want it to in your 30s.
